Wednesday, 25 February 2015

nothing else matters

Of all the feelings I've had since becoming a mother, one stands out. It is the feeling that nothing else really seems to matter anymore. It's not to say that I don't actually care about things like world affairs; of course I do. These things are still important and even crucial. But something has happened to me that only another mother would understand. My world has grown bigger and smaller at the same time. My focus is very firmly on my son. I don't know how this will change as he gets older but I suspect the feeling will always be there... the feeling that as long as he is alright I can rest easy. He is by far the most important thing in my life. My love for him goes beyond love. There are not words for what I feel when I think about him. Every stage he goes through seems like the most spectacular, time seems to stand still. I feel like now he is here I am frozen in time: whatever time he is in. It is no longer about me, it is about him.

I used to care so much about trivial things: hair, clothes, what I should do with my life (ha). I had so much time, I had too much. Now I never have enough. And it's the best feeling I have ever known. There is such chaos and yet for the first time everything is in its right place. He is here and that is everything.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

today in the play room


My favourite place to buy clothes for William is H&M. It's actually been my favourite shop for my own clothes for years. Now I walk past all the dresses and head straight to the baby section without even really thinking about it! I can't believe how much I enjoy dressing my little boy. It has become one of my main hobbies these days! For my birthday I was given lots of H&M vouchers so we took a trip there last weekend. We bought lots of things, mostly in advance for summer. One of my favourite items was this nautical themed jumper...

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Friday, 20 February 2015

ten months old

Today was William's last day of being ten months old. He had a lovely morning playing in his bright and happy bedroom. 

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How long will I love you? 
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I can.
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan.
How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand.

How long will I want you?
As long as you want me too
And longer by far
How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you
As long as you can
How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you.
However long you say. 

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I may.

I sang this song to William while we were still in hospital. (Once we'd got our own room!) As we near the one year anniversary of his birth I can feel my feelings and reflections on it getting stronger. My week in hospital was the hardest experience I've ever endured. William was unwell and on antibiotics, we weren't allowed home and my husband wasn't allowed to stay with us overnight. This meant that William and I were alone every night for his first week of life. It means a lot to me that I can now look past the hurt and tears and recognise that as a gift. My labour and birth was a horrendous experience and I think the one on one time I had with my son was important for me to bond with him. Looking back, I now see it was us two against the world.

William had the loudest cry. Everyone says that about their baby but I think the staff on duty would have agreed. In the state I was in this added to my trauma. It was awful when he cried, just awful. And he cried a lot. But one time he cried I started singing a song I'd sung to him while I was pregnant: 'William it was really nothing' by The Smiths. And he stopped crying immediately and stared at me. It was a moment of magic and calm amidst the chaos. 

We have now had ten months together. I wont lie, it's been the hardest ten months of my life. It's also been the best. I've experienced more emotions than I ever knew existed. I've felt myself pushed to my limit and thrown into moments I didn't think I could cope with, and go beyond my expectations every time. Things have gradually got easier and I've begun to feel that I now have a friend permanently by my side. You are always there, my constant companion. I had years of devastating sadness waiting to become a mother.If only I had known what I had to look forward to.

Dear William you are a miracle, you are my miracle. 

Thursday, 19 February 2015

dream child

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My boy has always loved light. In our new house the windows are big and the sunshine floods into the rooms. William loves playing with the blinds while the sun shines.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

All of my dreams in one place

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Until last year I was living a half life. I felt empty. Because I was waiting for what I felt I'd always been meant to be. A mother.It took me longer than most to achieve my dream but now I have my life feels full of love and light. I am exactly where I'm meant to be. My life has changed beyond recognition all thanks to a little boy whose name is William. He has reminded me in his ten months til now, of how it feels to look at life with fresh eyes and spirit. He reminds me every day of the pure joy of childhood I'd since forgotten. A blur of sandy coloured hair, bright blue eyes and dungarees, my constant companion. He is brave and adventurous, an absolute boy. He is how boys should be; full of energy and loud: he roars.

He is all of my dreams in one place. I am complete.