Friday, 20 February 2015

ten months old

Today was William's last day of being ten months old. He had a lovely morning playing in his bright and happy bedroom. 

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How long will I love you? 
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I can.
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan.
How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand.

How long will I want you?
As long as you want me too
And longer by far
How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you
As long as you can
How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you.
However long you say. 

How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I may.

I sang this song to William while we were still in hospital. (Once we'd got our own room!) As we near the one year anniversary of his birth I can feel my feelings and reflections on it getting stronger. My week in hospital was the hardest experience I've ever endured. William was unwell and on antibiotics, we weren't allowed home and my husband wasn't allowed to stay with us overnight. This meant that William and I were alone every night for his first week of life. It means a lot to me that I can now look past the hurt and tears and recognise that as a gift. My labour and birth was a horrendous experience and I think the one on one time I had with my son was important for me to bond with him. Looking back, I now see it was us two against the world.

William had the loudest cry. Everyone says that about their baby but I think the staff on duty would have agreed. In the state I was in this added to my trauma. It was awful when he cried, just awful. And he cried a lot. But one time he cried I started singing a song I'd sung to him while I was pregnant: 'William it was really nothing' by The Smiths. And he stopped crying immediately and stared at me. It was a moment of magic and calm amidst the chaos. 

We have now had ten months together. I wont lie, it's been the hardest ten months of my life. It's also been the best. I've experienced more emotions than I ever knew existed. I've felt myself pushed to my limit and thrown into moments I didn't think I could cope with, and go beyond my expectations every time. Things have gradually got easier and I've begun to feel that I now have a friend permanently by my side. You are always there, my constant companion. I had years of devastating sadness waiting to become a mother.If only I had known what I had to look forward to.

Dear William you are a miracle, you are my miracle. 

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